When we think of narcissism, many of us jump to the stereotype: arrogant, boastful, probably male – someone who talks too much in meetings and posts too many gym selfies.
But narcissism, like most aspects of human psychology, is more complex than that.
While men do tend to score higher on certain narcissistic traits, women are just as susceptible – it’s just that narcissism looks different on them.
And that’s precisely the problem. As Dr Ava Green – a lecturer in forensic psychology at City St George’s, University of London, and expert on narcissism in women – tells BBC Science Focus, we’ve been missing a big part of the picture.
“The features we typically associate with narcissism – grandiosity, assertiveness, dominance – align closely with traditional masculine norms,” she explains.
“But vulnerable features overlap with femininity. That is, high rates of neuroticism and emotional instability.”
Grandiose vs vulnerable narcissism
Psychologists tend to distinguish between two types of narcissism. Grandiose narcissism is the version we’re most familiar with – individuals are outwardly confident, status-seeking, self-important and often charismatic.
Vulnerable narcissism, by contrast, is marked by insecurity, emotional hypersensitivity, anxiety and a quiet sense of entitlement.
What both types have in common is an 'antagonistic core': a belief in one's own specialness, a willingness to exploit others and a brittle self-esteem that doesn’t cope well with criticism.
Green puts it this way: “I tend to tell my students that the best way to gauge how narcissistic someone is to criticise them.”
A harsh overreaction, especially if it involves lashing out, sulking or stonewalling, can be a key sign.
“Nobody likes being rejected,” she adds, “but the more inflated and unstable your self-esteem is, the more unhealthy and extreme your response will be to any kind of threat to your self-image.”
Women are just as narcissistic – they just express it differently
In her research, Green and her colleagues found clear gender differences in how narcissism shows up – and the consequences it carries.
In one study of 328 adults, men scored higher on grandiose narcissism, while women scored higher on vulnerable traits.
This matters, she says, because vulnerable narcissism is often overlooked – or misdiagnosed entirely. Indeed, up to 75 per cent of people diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are men, meaning many women are likely flying under the radar.
“Some women are wrongly diagnosed with borderline personality disorder,” Green says. “My research shows that narcissism is not a gender specific trait – the core for men and women is the same, but the way women express narcissism is more subtle and hidden.”
Crucially, the results also challenge the idea that narcissistic women are less harmful than men. Quite the opposite: vulnerable narcissism in women was significantly associated with psychological, physical and even sexual aggression towards partners.
“Female narcissists are known to use children or sexuality as a weapon to gain positions of power and control,” Green says.
“The way women attain their narcissistic goals aligns more with their gender related role. This can make it hard for the police and clinicians to deal with the situation and to actually spot that NPD.”
In other words, female narcissism isn’t just about vanity or being self-absorbed – it can be deeply destructive.
For Green, this has important implications for domestic abuse situations. “Women are just as capable of doing as much harm as men, they may just go about it in a more manipulative way.”
That said, there are a couple of caveats worth noting. The first is that the vast majority of domestic abuses are perpetrated by men. Green and her colleagues are specifically looking at narcissists here, not the general population.
It’s also important to note that while women tend to express more vulnerable narcissism, this doesn’t have to be the case. Grandiose and vulnerable expressions are possible in both sexes.
According to Green, the difference in how men and women express narcissism is likely a result of societal norms. Narcissists pursue a fantasy version of themselves and will use whatever tools society gives them to get there.
In a society that still overwhelmingly values strong men and feminine women, a narcissist will exploit this to achieve their ends.
What causes narcissism?
While it’s tempting to think narcissism is a result of childhood trauma or neglect, the reality is a little more nuanced.
“What’s interesting with narcissism,” Green explains, “and how it differs from some other dark personality traits, is that excessive praise and nurturing in childhood can cause it to develop.”
Narcissistic individuals often create a sort of 'fantasy self' – an idealised version of who they are meant to be – and spend their adult lives trying to force reality to match it. When others don’t affirm that fantasy, it feels like a personal attack.
“Narcissists have a mask,” Green says. “And when that mask slips, you see how insecure, how vulnerable and how sensitive they actually are.”
Can narcissism be treated?
There’s no quick fix for narcissism – in part because, as Green notes, “narcissistic patients are extremely challenging to work with.”
They may resent the power dynamic with the therapist, feel insulted by the diagnosis or treatment process, or drop out entirely.
That said, Green is keen to stress that treatment isn’t a lost cause.
The goal isn’t to 'cure' narcissism – which is, after all, a personality disorder – but to help individuals manage their symptoms and develop greater emotional regulation.
Are you a narcissist?
Narcissism exists along a spectrum. Most of us have some narcissistic traits, and a healthy dose of self-esteem is a good thing. But when those traits become rigid, extreme and harmful to others, that’s when they veer into dangerous territory.
However, only about 1–2 per cent of the population have full-blown NPD.
And crucially, we need to stop assuming that narcissism always looks like an egotistical man in a power suit.
By understanding those differences, we can become better at recognising narcissistic patterns – and more compassionate when it comes to the people affected by them.
About our expert
Ava Green is a lecturer in forensic psychology at City St George's, University of London, UK. Her research interests include exploring gender differences in personality disorders and traits in relation to offending behaviours, aetiological factors, and diagnostic assessment. Green's current projects focus on narcissism in women.
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