Whether it’s a relative, romantic partner, potential date, friend or even a would-be employer, when you feel you’ve been rejected, it suggests you value the relationship more than the other party values you.
There’s something about the asymmetry of this kind of situation that really stings, especially if it keeps happening. You’re far from the only one who finds this difficult! Studies have found that people often cite lost relationships as among the most painful experiences of their lives.
There’s also brain-imaging research that’s shown feelings of rejection are accompanied by activation of parts of the brain that are also involved in experiencing physical pain. No wonder your emotional pain has a visceral quality to it.
If you experience what feels like repeated rejections, there’s a chance you can become so fearful of living through more pain that you stop engaging with others – developing what psychologists call ‘rejection sensitivity’.
A therapist can help you with this in various ways, starting with encouraging you to nurture a sense of belonging elsewhere and giving you tips on how to soothe your difficult emotions.
They’ll also help you think through rejections in a more rational, self-compassionate way – which is also something you can try to do yourself. For instance, rather than interpreting a rejection as implying there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you, try out some other perspectives.
Maybe the organisation didn’t offer you the job because they thought you were overqualified. Perhaps your would-be date didn’t return your call because they were too nervous.
What you interpreted as a rejection might not really have been about you at all – maybe your friend avoided you because they’re feeling tired or down. Another way to take more risks – and a therapist could help you with this – is to treat new relationships as a learning experience.
If it doesn’t work out, think what you could do differently next time. Where else could you get the connection you need? Try, if you can, to cultivate an open, hopeful mindset rather than a defensive one.
This article is an answer to the question (asked by Louisa Rollins, Birmingham) 'How can I get over my fear of rejection?'
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