Self-sabotaging – also known as 'self-handicapping' by psychologists – is when you knowingly do things that are likely to harm your chances of success, be that in the context of academic tests, performance at work, sport, or relationships.
For instance, say you deliberately choose not to rehearse for a work presentation. Or you have a running race coming up and you decide not to train for it. In a relationship context, perhaps you decide to start ignoring your partner’s texts, even though you’re happy in the relationship.
In all these cases, behaving this way might sound strange and self-defeating. But research suggests there is a logic to self-sabotaging: it’s something people often do as a way to protect their self-esteem and alleviate their fears of failure or abandonment.
For instance, suppose you purposefully avoided doing any preparation for your presentation at work and, as a result, it went really badly. You could put that failure down to the fact that you didn’t prepare, rather than your presentation saying anything fundamental about you as a person or your skills. Similarly, if you came last in the running race, you could shrug off that disaster as being down to the fact that you didn’t bother doing any training.
In the case of your ignoring your partner’s texts, if they decide to break up with you, you could put that rejection down to the fact that you’d been ignoring them – rather than the split being anything to do with them not liking you anymore or choosing to go off with someone else.
In short, self-sabotaging is a way to protect your ego by setting up a perfect excuse for if and when failure or rejection occur.
People with a fear of failure and/or low self-esteem are more likely to use self-sabotaging in this way. In the short term, it might even help you to feel better about yourself, and it’s a way to protect your image in the eyes of others. It’s an inadvisable strategy however, because, in the long-run, you are – of course – going to increase your chances of failure and rejection.
How to stop self-sabotaging
If you really wanted to give a good presentation, you’d have been better off preparing; to win the race, you ought to have trained; and if you really hoped to stay with your partner, you definitely shouldn’t have upset them by ignoring their texts.
If you’ve fallen into the habit of self-sabotaging, it’s going to take time to break it, but a healthier approach is within your reach. One strategy that will help is adopting a so-called ‘mastery mindset’, which involves seeing challenges as a chance to learn and improve, rather than as a profound verdict on your inherent skills or value. Do the best you can in the work presentation or running race and if it doesn’t go perfectly, think about what you could do better next time.
Another helpful strategy is to practise self-compassion, which involves treating yourself with the same kindness you would a close friend or relative, and recognising that your self-worth isn’t dependent on any particular opinion or relationship outcome.
If you feel yourself getting close to your romantic partner, try to get comfortable with those feelings of vulnerability and remind yourself that if the relationship ends one day, it really doesn’t mean you’re inherently broken or unlovable.
Read more:
- Does being too nice hold you back in life?
- Why some people feel no shame, according to a psychologist
- The ultimate anxiety guide: The 6 biggest questions about worrying, answered by a psychologist
- Why do I always cry when I watch films on a plane?
Asked by: Samantha Osborn, via email
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