There’s actually nothing wrong with striving to do your best – psychologists refer to this as ‘healthy perfectionism’ and it’s associated with various positive outcomes in life.
But there’s also a darker side to perfectionism, which is when you feel burdened by a constant pressure to meet impossible standards, possibly as a way to cope with feelings of shame or inadequacy.
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A common feature of this form of unhealthy perfectionism is that you’re trying to meet other people’s expectations, to prove your worth.
If you’re struggling with unhealthy perfectionism, it’s likely that you find yourself constantly fearing failure.
And then when you feel that you’ve failed, you immediately begin a process of self-blame. Perhaps you have a critical inner voice that berates you and says the failure is proof that you’re not good enough.
There are various steps you can take to get out of this damaging mindset.
First, it’s important to realise that your self-worth isn’t contingent on your performance. You’re lovable because you are you – if this is hard for you to believe, it could be worth seeking out the support of a therapist.
Second, have a think about whether there are any impossible rules that you’re forcing yourself to live by, such as, ‘I must never make mistakes’ or, ‘I should always be the best.’ No one can be this perfect, so consciously rewrite these rules to be more fair and realistic.
Third, by all means aim high – there’s nothing wrong with striving and being ambitious. But make sure it’s on your own terms, not to impress someone else or prove yourself to them.
Fourth, if and when you feel you have fallen short, don’t take it as a sign that you’re broken or inadequate. Instead, think constructively about what you could do differently next time.
This article is an answer to the question (asked by Harry Bard, via email) I feel like nothing I ever do is good enough. How do I get out of this mindset?'
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