It’s often said, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” But that’s wrong; because criticisms and rejection cause brain activity that’s indistinguishable from actual pain. Basically, insults do hurt.
Insults are complex concepts that have been studied at length. And it turns out that the impact of an insult depends as much on the recipient as it does the supplier.
So, when it comes to straightforward insults (ones that lack socio-historical weight), the ‘targets’ have notable control over the outcomes.
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And there are many scientifically recognised ways to successfully diffuse insults or reverse their effects.
One is ascribing category membership to the insulter; making the insulter seem like the lower status, more easily-ridiculed party.
Someone says, “Your haircut looks stupid.” You reply, “Okay, calm down grandma.” You’ve put them in the category ‘Older, unfashionable, out-of-touch people’, which makes them look worse. Especially if they can’t possibly be your grandma, because they’re a 20-something man.
Others recommend finding a point that the insulter makes about themselves and amplifying it.
They say, “I don’t understand why [your attractive partner] is with you,” you say, “Would you like me to explain it to you? With crayons?” They meant to insult you, but the response turns it into them admitting to being easily baffled.
Then there’s co-constructing criticism, where the insult is accepted and built on. It defangs it.
They say, “You’re fat!” You say, “I should hope so, I’ve spent enough money to get this way.”
There are countless more comebacks, but they all orbit a central theme of not giving the insulter power, of denying them raised status and retaining control of the narrative or exchange.
This article is an answer to the question (asked by Archie Fox, via email) 'What’s the best comeback to an insult?'
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