Narcissism appears to have reached pandemic proportions. Just the other day, my nine-year-old announced that kids are branding each other narcissists in the playground. And why wouldn’t children adopt the label? It’s become fashionable for adults to use it for exes, bosses, even family members.
We all think we’ve met a narcissist, perhaps most famously Carly Simon, whose hit ‘You’re so Vain’ is about a cad so egocentric that in the chorus she sings “You probably think this song is about you.” But is narcissism always as obvious as someone walking into a party like they’re “walking onto a yacht?”
Recent research suggests not.
Although narcissism may be much more common than once thought. Full-blown, clinical narcissistic personality disorder is estimated to affect up to one in 20 people, suggesting we’re all likely to know someone with the condition. Perhaps they’re in the same room as you right now.
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These are people with a sense of superiority and entitlement – people who express low levels of empathy, need constant admiration and are easily slighted.
That one in 20 figure is only an estimate, however. “The real number is likely to be higher,” warns Claire Hart, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Southampton. That’s because people who have delusions of grandeur may be reluctant to admit they have a problem and seek help – therefore dodging diagnosis.
There’s also another issue that makes estimates even more difficult. As well as the rather obvious ‘grandiose’ type of narcissist that Simon sang about, psychologists have now identified a lesser-known ‘vulnerable’ type, which is more covert and can be much harder to spot… if you don’t know the tell-tale signs.
Red flags
People who score high on grandiose narcissism tests tend to be what you’d expect. A long line of research has outlined how they tend to brag a lot, be arrogant, hog the limelight and feel rather pleased about themselves. These people are highly extroverted, socially skilled and ultimately have excellent mental health.
Hidden, vulnerable narcissists aren’t like this. While the grandiose tend to have virtually no self-doubt, those with the vulnerable form of narcissism are insecure and defensive – preoccupied with trying to protect their superior self-image.
Vulnerable narcissists, constantly trying to minimise failure, are understandably much less happy than their grandiose peers, and prone to both anxiety and depression. “The vulnerable narcissist tends to be very brittle and can’t take criticism,” explains Hart.
One recent study, which assessed levels of narcissism in 676 adults in the US, showed that both grandiose and vulnerable narcissists are driven by a desire for social status. But unlike the grandiose, vulnerable narcissists feel they haven’t received the status they deserve.
The authors concluded that vulnerable narcissists may therefore pull back from competing with others if they suspect they won’t succeed. “This can lead to heightened stress and greater feelings of shame,” says Hart.
According to the same study, vulnerable narcissists also feel they aren’t as included in social groups as they would like to be. (Grandiose narcissists weren’t particularly interested in inclusion at all. They’re just too good for the plebs.)
Ultimately, both types of narcissist feel superior and entitled, and may spend a lot of time fantasising about their own success, be that in terms of power or beauty. The vulnerable type may be less open about such fantasies, however, and react furiously when their self-image is threatened by criticism or competition.
“You don't know when they’re going to blow,” says Hart. But when retribution is on their mind, vulnerable narcissists are more often passive-aggressive than confrontational.
While there isn’t a lot of research on it yet, you can imagine how this may play out in a work setting.
If you’re in a meeting and your work is publicly praised by your boss, while your vulnerable narcissistic colleague’s contribution is ignored, they may say they’re happy for you to your face. But behind your back, explains Hart, they might belittle your contribution to others and tell colleagues about the key role that they played instead.
There are other signs, too. During an after-work pub session, you might find them probing into your life, uncovering potential pieces of information that they can use against you in the future.
Hart suggests that, unlike their grandiose counterparts, a vulnerable narcissist may be reluctant to tell you information about themselves. And if you’re unlucky enough to have one as your manager, and they discover that you went behind their back to get advice from a more senior manager, they may exclude you, withhold future opportunities and derogate you to others, says Hart.
Clearly, both types tend to respond to people around them in antagonistic ways – high levels of narcissism have been linked to bullying, violence and aggression, direct and indirect. But the vulnerable narcissist may do it for different reasons than the grandiose one. “They may bully or perpetrate violence because they’re uncertain about themselves,” says Hart. “We should be wary of them.”
This is particularly true if you think you’re in a romantic relationship with one. Unsurprisingly, grandiose narcissists are always on the lookout for someone better – they feel they deserve the very best – which often leads to cheating. “Vulnerable narcissists, however, tend to be a lot more needy, but can also be controlling and manipulative in less obvious ways,” explains Hart.
While vulnerable narcissists may be able to hide their proclivity from some people, it’ll be very difficult to do so in a long-term relationship.
“Sometimes we need to point out what we like or don’t like in a healthy relationship,” says Nadja Heym, an associate professor of personality psychology at Nottingham Trent University. “And if you can’t do that because the other person feels constantly threatened – overreacting and becoming aggressive – relationship difficulties will arise.”
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Trait of flux
By now, you’re probably convinced that somebody in your life is a full-bodied, extra-strength, unfiltered covert narcissist. They might not be affected by a full-scale personality disorder, though.
It’s important to keep in mind that narcissistic traits can come and go, depending on what situation you’re in, which can lead us to sometimes mislabel people as narcissists. There are circumstances that bring out the worst in all of us – unleashing what research calls ‘contextual narcissism.’
If you suspect someone in a toxic relationship or at a highly competitive workplace is a narcissist, those particular circumstances may be fuelling narcissistic behaviour. Perhaps in calmer environments, that person isn’t so narcissistic.
“Narcissism isn’t necessarily something you either have or don’t have, like a broken leg,” says Heym. Instead, everyone exists somewhere on the spectrum. Narcissistic personality traits can get stronger or weaker over time, be triggered by certain situations and express themselves differently in different people. That means all of us are narcissists – to some extent.
As opposed to people with diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder, people with high levels of narcissistic personality traits may be able to dial down these tendencies in certain situations, such as around their family.
Unlike the clinical disorder, narcissistic traits are very common, and are becoming more so in many places around the world. For example, a meta-analysis looking at narcissism in US universities showed it increased significantly between 1985 and 2006. An exception, however, was California, which the authors suggested may be down to a huge rise in students from Asian backgrounds, who may be culturally different.
A common test to assess narcissistic traits is the ‘narcissistic personality inventory.’ This is made up of 40 forced-choice questions, giving you a zero if you choose the more modest response and a one if you pick the more narcissistic option.
For example, you may be asked to agree with either “I am no better or worse than most people” or “I think I am a special person.” According to Hart, the mean score on this test in the UK is roughly 12 out of 40, rising to about 16 out of 40 in the US (you can see some of the questions specifically related to vulnerable narcissism below).
There are many misconceptions about narcissism, however. “Anybody who does something horrible is quite often branded as a narcissist,” says Hart. “But narcissism is complex.”
Heart of cold?
While studies so far have produced rather mixed results on this topic, Heym has shown that at least some narcissists appear to have the ability to feel empathy, which makes them trickier to identify.
Hart and her colleagues have investigated empathy specifically in narcissism. In one of a series of studies, they asked 88 undergraduate students, who had been assessed for narcissistic traits, to watch a video about a woman, Jenny, who had recently suffered a traumatic breakup. At the same time, their heart rates were measured with an electrocardiogram (ECG).
They discovered that students who were high in narcissism reported lower levels of empathy for the woman. And astonishingly, their heart rates actually slowed down while watching the video – the opposite of what you’d expect to find in someone who feels empathy.
But something interesting happened when these people were specifically asked to take Jenny’s outlook. “When we asked them to take Jenny’s perspective, their heart rate accelerated in response to the empathic stimulus – to the same level as a person with lower scores on narcissism, demonstrating that they were physiologically moved by the stimulus,” says Hart.
All this suggests that narcissists have the ability to empathise, but simply choose not to most of the time. And that makes sense. If your main interest is you, and you’re willing to exploit and cheat others to enhance yourself, turning off your ability to empathise is an advantage.
Nurture over nature
Why are so many of us so narcissistic? It’s easy to assume some people just have the gene for it. But while there is a genetic component to narcissism, upbringing and life experiences seem to matter more – giving us more clues to look for.
So far, we know little about what experiences may lead to narcissism, though. Heym points out that researchers often just ask people to remember things about their childhood and try to draw conclusions from that. Ideally, though, they should follow people over time, meticulously documenting their experiences while monitoring levels of narcissism.
Intriguingly, one team of researchers did follow children over a period of two years and found that those whose parents overvalued them, praising them for being exceptional and superior to other children, were more likely to subsequently show signs of narcissism.
They also discovered that children who received inconsistent feedback, sometimes being overvalued and at other times being told off and undervalued, were more likely to develop vulnerable narcissism.
Intriguingly, while grandiose narcissism is higher among men, vulnerable narcissism is more common in women. Vulnerable narcissism has, however, been less thoroughly investigated. “Even clinicians often misattribute vulnerable narcissism in females as borderline personality disorder,” says Hart.
Game plan
So what’s the best way to deal with a highly narcissistic person? And could we treat them to become less narcissistic?
Because narcissism is inherently a feature of personality, it can be difficult to treat. Although our personality changes a bit over our lifetimes, it tends to be largely set by experiences in our youth. And this makes personality disorders, including the narcissistic one, a little harder to ‘treat’ than something that has a clear trigger.
“In post-traumatic stress disorder, for example, we know it’s triggered through something – and you can work on that something,” says Heym. “With personality, it’s not triggered through something, it’s just the way it manifested during 20 years of your life.”
Studies have shown, however, that people can change their personalities slightly by acting in a way that increases a certain trait (such as talking to lots of new people on a daily basis in order to become more extroverted). But it’s difficult to say whether people with narcissistic traits would want to change – or if any personality changes are long-lasting.
“It’s near impossible to decrease narcissism forever,” says Hart. “What you’ve got to do instead is try and increase the empathy.” She says that given that such people already seem to possess the skill of empathy, any intervention should focus on making them more motivated to use it.
“We’ve done work over the years to try to make empathy more appealing to narcissists,” she explains. Hart and her colleagues have argued that programmes should aim to reframe empathy in a way that makes it desirable to narcissists. This could, for example, involve informing them that taking the perspective of others is linked to success in areas such as leadership or business.
Her research therefore suggests that, in a relationship or at work, you could try showing a person with high narcissistic traits that they can have their narcissistic needs met through acts of kindness or generosity – or point out that their status may be harmed by selfish acts. Unsurprisingly, the key is to stroke their ego. This is unlikely to work if you’re in a junior position, however.
Hart warns that such interventions are likely to work much better coming from a therapist or psychologist.
But before you try to tackle any suspected narcissist in your office (or home), it may be worth reflecting on your own behaviour first. Ultimately, if you aren’t willing and able to take a long, hard look at yourself – and perhaps feel a little ashamed about the last time you were vain or acted selfishly – you may miss the hidden narcissist right under your nose.
Are you a vulnerable narcissist?
Worried you're a covert narcissist? Strongly agreeing with most of the statements here, taken from the five-factor narcissism inventory questionnaire, may indicate you possess traits of vulnerable narcissism.
- If I feel slighted, I give the person who slighted me a piece of my mind.
- I don’t get along with people who question my authority.
- I need positive attention from others to make me feel stronger.
- I don’t have a very strong sense of who I am.
- When people criticise me, I get embarrassed.
- I have at times gone into a rage when not treated rightly.
- At times, people seem to go out of their way to make life difficult for me.
- People who were supposed to be my ‘friends’ have got me in trouble.
- I feel ashamed when people judge me.
About our experts
Dr Claire Hart is an Associate Professor of psychology at the University of Southampton. Her work has been published in Sex Roles, Computers in Human Behavior, and Journal of Personality Assessment.
Nadja Heym is an Associate Professor of personality psychology at Nottingham Trent University. Her work has been published in Psychology & Neuroscience, Current Opinions in Behavioural Sciences, and Forensic Science International: Mind & Law (to name a few).
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